Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'm Really Up for My Talk Tomorrow

Sure we could be thinking about how the Supreme Court will soon have one more vote to help make Bush king, or about how the U.S. is all for democracy as long as only the people we want to get elected win (I'm not pro-Hamas, but if the Palestinians vote for them, are we suddenly supposed to say they shouldn't get to elect their own leaders? if that's true, every country including Fenwick and Freedonia should have invaded the U.S. in 2000), but it's more fun to think about sex (plus just thinking about it means there's nothing to clean up afterwards, unless you're some sort of telekinetic freak).

So, here's what Reuters reports:

Forget pretending you are talking to one person or concentrating on a single point in the audience -- having sex is a good way to calm nerves before giving a speech or presentation.

Just remember if you combine this way to keep yourself calm with one of the old ways--imagining the people you're speaking to are in their underwear--you better be sure there's a podium between you and your audience. Or that the first row isn't too close to the stage. The report also doesn't say how long you can leave between doing it and delivering it, but one assumes it would be rude to delay the speech for more than a half hour just to be sure you were "calm." What's more, the report doesn't say what to do if you're a man, have sex to be relaxed during public speaking, and then fall asleep during your own talk. It takes way too long to try to make-up for things with spooning if your audience is larger than 30.

But Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley in Scotland, said it has to be full sexual intercourse to get the best results.

Which means I can hear the new pick-up lines: "Honey, I have to give an important presentation tomorrow, so can you help me keep my nerves at bay?" I guess once you have a study like this at hand, there's just no pulling out or you'd blow it.

And there really is a University of Paisley. But if you get a BA there, be sure not to get your MA at the University of Plaid or your degrees will clash and everyone will laugh at you.

P.S. Don't forget to zip up before the talk.


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