They Don't Call It Ms. America

Given you can have a nude woman on your computer screen as fast as you can type with one hand (be sure to use Google for that search! they'll protect you!), getting worked up about the swimsuit competition at the Miss American contest is like fretting over your coccyx (although it's hard to fret below your coccyx unless you have your head up your ass). Still, the things people say to defend the swimsuit competition don't hold water. For instance, an article from the Times-Picayune (sorry for the hold water joke, New Orleans), quotes Miss Louisiana Molly Causey as saying, "Honestly, it shows your hard work and determination and dedication more than any other phase of the competition. It's your few seconds to show that you care about your body, that you care about working hard to prepare. . . ."

For lord knows you can't tell anything about a woman's figure from a skintight evening dress.

But then it gets better, as the article quotes Miss America 1955 / Batman's Third-Best Catwoman (fourth if you count Michelle Pfeiffer) Lee Meriwether, who said, "So you have to wear a swimsuit. Who cares? If you have an opportunity to get a scholarship by doing that, why not?"

Rumor has it that male organizers of the pageant call it "Giving Your Best Meriwether" when they suggest a contestant lie down on their beds to earn a full four year scholarship.