Monday, August 29, 2005

If Only There Were an Iraqi Hello Kitty

Now almost fully rested from his vacation avoiding Cindy Sheehan in particular and reality in general, President Bush will opt tomorrow to compare the situation in Iraq with that of Japan after World War II, because even he was getting tired of the Iraq-9/11 link (and besides, it wasn't helping at the polls). According to the AFP:

U.S. President George W. Bush was expected Tuesday to cite Japan -- an enemy defeated in war, rebuilt by the United States, now a treasured ally -- in a bid to quiet growing concerns about Iraq.

In a speech marking the US victory over Japan 60 years ago, Bush was also to link the Axis powers of World War II to the insurgents killing US soldiers today, White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters on Monday.

"There will be some comparisons there between the murderous ideology that we joined together to defeat back in World War II and the murderous ideology that we're working to defeat today," said McClellan.

McClellan did add, however, that reporters should remember President Bush was never great with standardized tests particularly because he has problems with analogies, claiming, "To compare things, you have to be able to understand something beyond yourself. President Bush is too busy getting along with his life to have a sense of anyone else's."

Bush will insist that Iraq and Japan have much in common. Most Americans cannot find either country on a map. President Bush himself cannot speak the languages of either country, perhaps explaining why he believes Kuwait translates into "Pearl Harbor." Both are a long plane ride away from the U.S. (although first class makes the trip easier). They don't have the same religions, but neither country has much of a sense of the Lord (you know, Jesus, the son of the Intelligent Designer and the one who knows that married folks can't be the same sex). The people of both countries don't look like us, neither.

"Iraq should be happy I'm comparing them to Japan and it isn't an exact fit," Bush said prior to his full speech. "They should be darn grateful that my dad never hurled at an Iraqi state dinner and the U.S. never dropped an atom bomb on them. They say that smarts, heh heh."

To strengthen the analogy, the White House sent a crew to disinter the body of General Douglas MacArthur and and send it to Baghdad. Rumor has it that Walt Disney Co. Imagineers are working on making the corpse say, "I have not yet begun to rot."

This phrase, alas, cannot be said by the White House in reference to its plans for Iraq.

McClellan also suggested that if the WW II analogies don't work, the White House is prepared to keep moving back in history for other comparisons, hinting that Christopher Hitchens might be hired to draw up a Barbary Pirates = Saddam diagram for the president (it seems that McLellan doesn't watch The Daily Show). McClellan insisted that he was confident the Bush Team could stop looking back in history before getting to the Crusades, although off the record he admitted it never hurts to play to your base.


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