Do You Come to This Blog Orphan?

The Christian American Carwash Association (CACA) has called for a boycott of the film The Final Destination 3D and sent a letter of protest, co-signed by leaders of nearly a dozen car wash groups, to the film's distributor, New Line. CACA has expressed concern over FD3D, an upcoming horror movie featuring a murderous carwash.

CACA has some high-powered allies on Capitol Hill. In a letter to the New Line CEO, Sens. Mary Landrieu, D-La., Tom Coburn, R-Okla., and James Inhofe, R-Okla., and Reps. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., John Boozman, R-Ark., and Danny Davis, D-Ill., wrote that the film’s depiction of carwashes was inaccurate and destructive. They also insisted that global warming was a hoax and President Obama is not a U.S. citizen.

Bachmann said, "Movies are totally believable as they're so big and you see them and this one's even in three dimensions, which I'm pretty sure is the same as life. Especially during the busy summer season it would be too great a burden for the carwash industry--which is crucial to America's economic recovery, or so Jesus told me--for people to be thinking they will at first seem to drown and then get decapitated by the high-powered dryer if they get their car washed."

In other news, Iowa Congressman Steve King was about to protest not only not being included with the other brightest bulbs in government, but also the DVD release of the 25th anniversary edition of Leprechaun. King said, "See, I do care about colored people. Plus I don't want to be the one who didn't fight for Lucky Charms."

Burning Bus Lines Give You So Much More

As the latest evidence partisanship is alive and malicious, a group of anti-eco-terrorists claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Clean Air Express as it made its way from north county Santa Barbara to Santa Barbara itself yesterday morning. The self-declared leader of the group Hugo Succit said in a videotaped statement dropped off at the local Fox affiliate, "We will take down every one of their attempts to force people to use mass transit. America is about baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet, so we all must drive in our own cars or they'll come after apple pie next. It's just like those socialists to want to make us all be social in a bus. But have you seen the people who ride buses? It's so hard to know which ones of them are legal."

Sure We're Guilty--Guilty of Being Right! (Might Is Still Right, Right?)

Given today's news, here's an article we could most likely read in the shell that used to be the News-Press, as buried as you can get in a paper with small sections....

NLRB Judge Rules Against Ampersand Publishing:
Judgment Proves Federal Law Bias

by Shott Credibiliton

National Labor Relations Mr. Judge William Kocol has decreed that the News-Press and its parent company Ampersand Publishing has violated the National Labor Relations Act in more ways than this paper can count with its remaining staff. News-Press legal counsel Mr. Barry Cappello states, "These rulings simply prove our case--the entire world beyond a handful of people willing to sell out all their scrupples is biased against [Mrs.] Wendy McCaw. This obvious bias is proof we'll definitely win upon one of the many appeals that I've had written since the day the original case closed. I figured I needed them prepared as this could go on longer than I might."

Mrs. McCaw originally expressed surprise upon hearing the news, claiming, "I own the building [located at an address we won't print to protect the building] in which the hearing took place. I thought property rights meant something in this country. But it seems I can't own a person or a building. Nipper, go make me a drink; just make sure that boy editor doesn't get one."

Ampersand also announced it will go to court to gain possession of Mr. Judge Kocol's computer.