Thursday, August 31, 2006

New Motto: It's I-raq, not I-wreck*

The Washington Post reports:

U.S. military leaders in Baghdad have put out for bid a two-year, $20 million public relations contract that calls for extensive monitoring of U.S. and Middle Eastern media in an effort to promote more positive coverage of news from Iraq.

The contract calls for assembling a database of selected news stories and assessing their tone as part of a program to provide "public relations products" that would improve coverage of the military command's performance, according to a statement of work attached to the proposal.

INOTBB humbly submits its proposal to be paid the $20 million. Here is what we have to offer:
  1. We have no problems making shit up, and even refer to ourselves as a "we."
  2. We already spend an inordinate amount of time "monitoring" media. (Just don't make us renew our subscription to the News-Press.)
  3. We have never been to Iraq, and therefore will find it easier to write positive stories as reality will not stand in our way.
  4. Our spellchecker is set to accept "Islamofascists" as a word.
  5. We will move to edit away any Shiite (which sounds dirty, anyway) and Sunni distinctions, thereby leading to a unification of the country. After all, these distinctions didn't originally make sense to President Bush and probably confuse the average, fart-joke-loving, brush-clearing American, too.
  6. What do you mean there's Kurds, too? No wonder this Iraq thing is so complicated. Look, if you want media stories to make sense, there can only be two sides.
  7. As for "Prospective contractors are also asked to propose four to eight public relations events per month," well, just off the top of our blog we think that a soldier-run felafel sale to raise money for armor for vehicles would be a terrific opportunity to stress U.S. ingenuity, the ability to adapt to a foreign culture by selling them their own stuff back to them, and if the prices were low enough, even show our concern for Iraqis. And that's just one idea. Imagine the photo op!
  8. When all else fails, we are very good at shouting, "Look! scary Iran nukes!"
*Dear U.S. government--as a sign of good faith, you can have that motto for free. (Please make the check for the rest of the $20 million out to cash.)


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