Tuesday, August 29, 2006

My Buttocks Are Dented but at Least I "Dated" Alyssa Milano

Steve Goldman over at the Pinstriped Bible/Blog has only one fault, as far as I can tell. He's a Yankee fan. Otherwise, he's more or less brilliant. Today he was more, with TBogg-worthy snark like this:

Granted, [Carl] Pavano has turned being broken into an art form. Any pitcher who misses half a season with dented buttocks deserves some kind of award for ace malingering. He's like the children's toy that every kid falls for at least once, the one that seems to walk, talk, fire ray guns, and fly through the air in the commercials but when you get it home it requires six D batteries just to sit there. You're lucky if it rocks a bit and moans quietly to itself.

For those that haven't heard, Pavano sustained two broken ribs in a car accident earlier this month but took advantage of a rarely-invoked clause in the collective bargaining agreement that says that players are obligated to disclose all injuries except those that will make them look really, really bad when they eventually come to light. On the plus side, the fact that Pavano has ribs strongly suggests that he is in fact a vertebrate.

But the ultimate kicker comes when he turns to the Yankees' most recent opponent the Tigers and then manages to come up with the ultimate Neifi Perez putdown, which isn't easy to do given oodles of baseball-writing Henny Youngmans--this writer included--have exercised the "take my Neifi, please" punchline by now:

Neifi Perez, isn't the answer to anything except perhaps the question, "What did the Athenians give Socrates to drink after convicting him of impiety?"


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