A Mertz Is as Good as a Mile

Friday would be the birthday of Vivian Vance, who made TV-land safe for female sidekicks (with due props to the silver screen's top second banana Eve Arden, who went on to prove that film is better than TV when she moved up the ranks and got her own supporting star Kay Ballard for the small screen's The Mothers-in-Law--oddly enough directed by Desi Arnaz). For let's face it, Lucy and Ethel were a lot more interesting a pair than Lucy and Ricky, which suggests a fascinating Cagney & Lacey episode. They got into trouble together, while Ricky only got to say "you've got some 'splaining to do" and pretend he was as cool as Xavier Cugat, and no one's cooler than a guy with a name that begins with "X."

What's weirdest, to me at least and I'm writing, you're reading, so you're stuck (don't look away!), is that Vivan Vance is from the same small town in Kansas as Louise Brooks and they played together as children. Yep, Ethel and LuLu. Now what if they changed roles? First, Fred would be dead, and by your sly smile I think you know why. Second, no one would remember who G.W. Pabst was. (OK, I can tell by your blank look you don't know who he is anyway, and it has nothing to do with the beer.)