Let's Get Cool in the Pool...Wearing Something Ghoul-ish

Monica Bellucci or Uma Thurman wouldn't be caught sexy dead in one of these wonderful WholesomeWear suits that put the whole in the suit. Sure, if you actually swam in one you might pull an Ophelia, but if that's the price to pay to keep your firm young flesh out of the hands of any mad Danes, so be it.

Besides, this way you leave everything to the imagination, and what could be more exciting to a man than that? At least some men, after all, can imagine the Cubs winning a World Series. Just be sure, like all the WholesomeWear models, to grow your hair long so there's no confusion as to your gender since nary a feminine curve will be in sight.

But wait, there are three monstrosities, uh, models to choose from. The Culotte promises a "looser fitting taslan scoop-necked romper outer garment [that] gives a stylish modest look." You do know there's nothing more stylish than modesty. The muu-muu look is all the rage in Milan. Milan, Michigan, that is, a town so impressive it cannot be constrained--it's in both Monroe and Washtenaw Counties. Based on the design of its website, this vibrant suburban center knows all about beauty.

The Skirted Swimmer features a skirt (how's that for truth in advertising? all those bikini ads lie to you and your vanity) that "snaps between the legs for in the water and unsnaps for playing on the beach or going to town without changing." The unsaid, of course, is you never know when those between the legs snaps might come in handy. There are rumors WholesomeWear is in product development for teen sizes that feature snaps with combo locks that parents can set. Won't little Billy be surprised at that next pool party-sleep over when he finds out that Daddy's little girl was taking that Purity Ball very seriously (and how could she not when your sweet dear is choking up on your dangling tie! go see that picture!).

Finally, there's the Slimming Swimmer, as if all these seductively shapeless suits didn't allow you to hide a Bible or box of See's Candy or the fact that you're pregnant, my god, he's going to kill you when he finds out you didn't figure out the rhythm method properly a fifth time, you poor dear, put on this suit and he won't go near you again.