We Don't Need Know Education

The New York Times reports that in addition to thinking about Iraq every day, President Bush has some other thoughts, too. According to yesterday's story:

"I felt like both sides ought to be properly taught." Asked again by a reporter whether he believed that both sides in the debate between evolution and intelligent design should be taught in the schools, Mr. Bush replied that he did, "so people can understand what the debate is about."

Mr. Bush was pressed as to whether he accepted the view that intelligent design was an alternative to evolution, but he did not directly answer. "I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," he said, adding that "you're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, and the answer is yes."

Following up on these claims, President Brush-Clearing Bush offered a new curriculum for high schools today, named Both Sides Ought To Be Properly Taught (Like , For Instance, Whether Split Infinitives Are Bad or Not):

Astronomy
Week 1: Those two times the Earth stopped rotating around the sun, or why Copernicus was a heathen-ninny.
Week 2: Do we not eat green cheese because the moon is made of it?
Week 3: Screening of Capricorn One to prove moon landings never happened. That's why "they" had to discredit OJ later on with all that "murder" stuff--to ruin any chance of a rethinking of his body of work.
Week 4-10: All that science stuff about rocks, etc. (yawn)

Geography
Week 1-3: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, therefore the world is flat.
Week 4: Cool "here be monsters" drawings for the corners of your maps.
Week 5: Besides the snicker-inducing name, the Peters Projection map has to be wrong because it makes the U.S. seem small.
Week 6: Using the GPS in your Hummer.
Week 7: How to find gated communities to hide from your fellow students whose families don't have enough money to buy a Hummer.

Physical Education
Week 1: If you want to be an athlete, steroids are bad.
Week 2: If you want to be governor of California, steroids are good.
Week 3-10: Games of Smear the Queer--good training in so many ways.

U.S. Government
Weeks 1-5: Why the Second Amendment is the best amendment, and how to declare yourself a militia.
Weeks 6-10: Fruitless search for privacy rights defended in the Constitution. Learn that even looking diagonally, can't find "Griswold" in Constitution Word Search.

Sex Education
Week 1-age 21: Divide class into boys and girls and keep the two apart.
Weeks 2-3: Girls taught "no" in several languages, plus polite way to slap boys, plus not-so-polite way to knee not-so-nice boys. Girls taught if they drink they are cheap floozies and are responsible for whatever happens to them, especially if they dress like that. Boys taught they are right about everything, but better exercise so much they fall right asleep at night without any notions of touching themselves anywhere.
Weeks 4-6: Screening of lots of 1950s films showing the graphic horrors of VD, which nothing can protect you from, for condoms don't work.
Weeks 5-7: You can only get AIDs if you're gay, and none of you are that, so don't get indoctrinated (you didn't watch that purple Teletubby as a kid did you?).
Week 8-10: Why the only bad priests are the ones in that hotbed of liberality Boston, where sex makes you drive women off bridges and get a really ragged-looking face when you're old.