Men In Blue See Green

Inspired by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who, according to the Los Angeles Times, "is embarking on a whirlwind, 17-event fundraising tour from here to Boston, tapping donors who have a stake in bills soon to arrive at his desk for signature or veto," Major League Baseball's umpires announced today that they wouldn't make any safe or out calls at home plate until after a period of fundraising. Jimmy P. Lenty, a spokestool for the umpires, announced, "We're very clear with our donors. If people are making inappropriate comments and try to lobby the umpire, they will get their contributions returned."

After a pause Lenty added, "There just happen to be coincidences all the time that the team that gives the most money gets the call it wants. You can't blame the umps for that."

The statement by the umpires claimed the First Amendment as their major support for this new action. Their release insisted that donating money is just a form of free speech, and there was no way they would deny true American rights from people simply because they speak the loudest.

Lenty stressed, "It's not like teams will get luxury boxes to the Rolling Stones for their money."

P.S.
I couldn't work this into the above--what politicians do is so shamefacedly obvious it deflects even satire--but I have to point out that Gov. Schwarzenegger has to raise money because of the special ballot campaign. But he is the one who insisted there was a special election in the first place.