Thursday, April 14, 2005

Ode to the Ides of April

If you're happy and you know it pay your taxes (clap clap).

Well, I guess that ruined the mood. Does it help to know it's the 267th anniversary of the invention of the bottle opener? You do know that so many men in the early 1700s had wooden dentures from removing bottle caps with their teeth. It was rumored that Samuel Adams could pop a whole six pack open in one mouthful, which is why he's a brewer AND a patriot.

It's also the 30 anniversary of the San Diego Chicken, who I guess is now officially the Petco Chicken. His wife says, yes, indeed, he tastes like chicken. (Oops, did I forget to tell you to put the kids to bed before this post?)

And early in the morning of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank. Imagine how this fact meant something much more interesting and much less grandiosely melodramatic before James Cameron and Leo got involved. A night to remember, a movie to forget (don't get me started on how it swept the Oscars in a year with a film as sublime as The Sweet Hereafter).

But, before Kate Winslett posing nude for DiCaprio was even a glimmer in my eye (I didn't say everything about the film was terrible), I used to commemorate Titanic night with a little ritual. At 11:40 pm, when the ship had its unfortunate meeting with the iceberg, I would begin to drink. I would proceed to take on liquid faster than I thought I could, always considering myself "unsinkable." And then at 2:20 am or so, I would go under. Perhaps the band was playing.

So, in honor of so much history (and I've even ignored the 50th anniversary of Ray Kroc's first McDonald's, which looked really silly with a sign that said "0 served"), let's make like Ben Guggenheim reappearing topside in his evening clothes to go down like a gentleman...oh, to prove I'm gentleman, I'll even let you finish that joke yourselves.


Post a Comment

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker