To the Victor Goes the Spoiled Justice Department

(photo: AP/Ron Edmonds)

Michael Chertoff demonstrates the difference between the Justice Department he would run and the Justice Department run by the recently resigned Alberto Gonzales.

When Things Got Cheeky at the Department of Just-Ass

I don't know if you caught this, but spotted on the D.C. Craig's List "strictly platonic" board today was this entry:

Married Latino male looking for "bossman" who wants complete servitude--not even laws will get in the way of my adoration. You don't need to be too smart or too cute, just desirous of devotion. I promise to laugh at all your fart jokes and your imitations of women on death row (in fact, I'll help you put to death as many convicts as you like). I will never laugh when your grammar isn't the goodest. And even if I did, I won't remember anything you've ever done wrong. Especially if questioned under oath.

I'm into torture (of others--don't get any ideas!), purging US Attorneys who aren't good Republican soldiers, justifying spying on all Americans in case they don't support you the government. I find walks on the beach and the Geneva Conventions quaint. I can make John Ashcroft seem moderate, although, alas, I can't hold a tune the way that fine tenorino can. Then again, I will lie if it makes you smile. And it will.

I've got lots of time on my hands soon, so drop me an email, but not to my work email.

P.S. I'm much cuter than Skeletor, even if he has my job soon.

Bush Prevents "Commuter" Traffic

Washington, DC -- President Bush today commuted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' sentence for perjuring himself while testifying to the Senate yesterday. Bush said, "I realize that Gonzales has not been convicted of perjury yet -- he hasn't even been indicted for it. But I figured I could save the country the pain of his trial and the money, too. Why wait around to subvert justice and ignore the rule of law when you can be a leader of the free world? And my plan is to keep free all of my friends, no matter their criminal activities. They have suffered enough doing what I tell them.

"Now leave me alone so that I can get back to vetoing bills that might lead to medical cures, bring an end to the war in Iraq, and provide health insurance for 4 million of American children."