Monday, September 08, 2008

Rob Me, but Don't Rub It In

I'm sure this has happened to most of us (which I would say even if I knew there were more than 3 or 4 of you out there in the first place)--we've all had that dream when you wake up terrified, convinced someone is covering you with a spice rub. Turns out your worst nightmare can come true, if you live in Fresno. For just this Saturday, according to the Fresno Bee, "A burglar...broke into a home just east of Fresno [and] rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms."

I'm sure you're wondering what culinary fate befell the other man in this age of twisted traps glorified in movies like the Saw franchise and Kit Kittredge: An American Girl (just try, I dare you, parents of young girls, to escape one of those stores with your credit card unscathed). Perhaps he was bammed with Emeril's Essence? Tenderized with A-1?

Even worse, for as the story reports, the burglar "used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head." (Just check the link to the story. Get it? Link?)

And no, I'm not going to make an 8-inch sausage joke. That would belittle (clearly no pun intended) the criminal and his twisted sense of crime, not to mention the poor victims, for the report says, "Both the spices and the sausage, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen." Consider that the next time you bring something home from the Smart n' Final--will a robber someday use this Aunt Jemima against me in anger? How much of a bruise will a Hungry Man dinner leave if heaved (before being eaten, of course)?

Finally, police claimed, "the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog." As if they've never heard "the dog ate my crimework" before.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

the burglar used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head

You don't have to make an 8 inch sausage joke, George. I'm laughing anyway.

WV: uckya

4:17 AM  
Blogger Smitty said...

Mike's right. The joke we all know is right there and doesn't need to be said. We all know it. It's funnier to just leave it implied.

12:04 PM  

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