Give it a Wurlitzer

John Sellers pointed to a post by Holy Taco about 14 Songs You Should Never Play in a Bar. The list is on target, and the writing is funny, but it's also funny thanks to ultra-cool nastiness: let's belittle everyone who can't bother to have our impeccable taste (not only don't they appreciate bands we like, and think the over-played is somehow singular and special, they look odd, too).

So I thought instead of doing that, I'd try to build the perfect bar juke box. Now, this isn't just a list of favorite songs, as it's about songs to drink too, and contrary to opinion I don't drink 24/7 so the two periods of time do not overlap (exactly). And it's about songs to enjoy in public--they need to make everyone happy whether they know the song or not. As this is a juke box, and a dream, I'm stocking a classic Wurlitzer that plays 45s. As this is my dream, I get to create 45s that didn't exist--my only rule is that the disc has 2 cuts by the same artist. I'm sure there's stuff I left off, as I sort of just got to 12 singles and stopped, and I also admit I avoided at least one semi-obvious choice when I skipped the Pogues. Irish music and tippling--c'mon, we can all do better than that, can't we?

Tom Waits
a: "Clap Hands"
b: "Innocent When You Dream"

The A gives you his patented herky jerky and some fine Marc Ribot, the B gives you a closing time sing-a-long.

Brian Eno
a: "King's Lead Hat"
b: "Fractal Zoom (Mary's Birthday Edit)"

I left off the Talking Heads and will regret it, but at least I got a tribute song to them in (check the anagram in the A title) plus the pulse of that song will get everyone's head bobbing. The B is pretty obscure, but it's the closest to a dance track my juke has. I dance obscurely, you see.

Lucinda Williams
a: "Passionate Kisses"
b: "Essence"

Lucinda helps us get a little sexy, a little dirty. Good things for a bar.

The Mekons
a: "Memphis, Egypt"
b: "Millionaire"

The A let's you below "Destroy your safe and happy lives" as you down a shot. The B gives you Sally Timms all insinuation, singing, "Champagne was never cheap, but I could always find someone to drink it for me."

Frank Sinatra
a: "I've Got You Under My Skin"
b: "One for My Baby"

The A is perhaps the best recording ever--when Nelson Riddle brings the band up, I swear it rocks. The B gives you something to play at a quarter to three.

Old 97's
a: "Jagged"
b: "Barrier Reef"

Two country inflected rockers, the A more serious, for when the drinking is still perched between darkness and light, the B for those funnier moments, and people will sing-a-long and think about sex after drinking, which is what you want them to do, admit it.

Fred Astaire
a: "I Love Louisa"
b: "Steppin' Out with My Baby"

We need some class on the box, and the A is probably better known for its refrain "More Beer!" Plus you get bonus Oscar Levant. How hip is that?

Yo La Tengo
a: "Sugarcube"
b: "Tom Courtenay"

At times you just need to rock and these songs pack more hooks than a bait shop.

Elvis Costello
a: "(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea"
b: "Almost Blue"

The A gets us a bit close to reggae and gives us something bitter to go with our bitters, the B is another closing time lament. (I really didn't spend that much time at 2 am in bars. Well, not in the past decade, at least.)

Amy Rigby
a: "All I Want"
b: "Time for Me to Come Down"

Criminally underrated Rigby makes songs of longing, and why else do those of us who can't sing drink?

X
a: "Sex and Dying in High Society"
b: "See How We Are"

Almost picked "The World's a Mess, It's in My Kiss" but with Ray Manzarek on it, that's like putting the Doors on my jukebox, and we can't have that. The A let's us be cynically self-aware as we punish the liver and brain, the B gives us a moment of political awareness and a beat to pound the bar.

Neko Case
a: "The Tigers Have Spoken"
b: "Letter from an Occupant"

The A gives us one of the best guitar figures of the past few years while the B--which I know is really a New Pornographers song, but can you imagine anyone else but Neko singing it?--is catchy pop, and there's a need to be caught in a bar.

Feel free to play along in the comments or turn these into a meme, if you dare. (Shoot, forgot the Replacements! How about a hidden bonus 45 with an a of "I Will Dare" and a b of "Bastards of Young.)