As Youngman as You Feel

At least according to one source, today would be the 100 birthday of Henny Youngman. Perhaps the discrepancy in his birth date is because his mom, while in labor, screamed, "Take my baby--please!" and the delivery room was so convulsed with laughter that he wasn't officially born for a couple of months. The good news is that the delay gave Youngman his first joke to steal. Many don't know that Youngman was born in Liverpool, England, and in addition to once being part of a musical group called the Swanee Syncopators, rumor has it he sat in with a little band called the Quarrymen after the death of Stu Sutcliffe. The band, alas, decided it needed a drummer more than a violinist, but at least kept its sense of humor and went with Ringo. The Ramones of stand-up, Youngman would complete whole sets in 20 minutes and still tell 60 jokes. Here's one of the longer ones:

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

Here's another:

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"