Please Don't Squeeze the Jesus
I can't imagine I'm the only one who reads the line "The toys that love you back" on a website and instantly think of Dennis Hopper's "girlfriend" in River's Edge or Roxy Music's "In Every Dream Home a Heartache," but that's just me--both degenerate AND obscure.
I certainly didn't think of a talking plush Jesus doll, but that's why I'm not a brilliant businessman like Cliff Rockwood, creator of Holy Huggables, not to be confused with the Holy Huxtables dolls Bill Cosby still tries to sell when he isn't busy berating black people for not being successful as he is. Nope, Holy Huggables feature a talking Jesus, Moses and Esther. No, not Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son, but the Biblical Esther. I guess they figured they needed a female doll, and the temptation to have a Mary doll say, "I'm a virgin, are you?" was too great to resist, so they avoided the Holy Mother all together.
Esther has it easy, though. Poor talking Jesus only gets to say 3 things the gospels said he said, and for his other 4 lines is stuck quoting Old Testament scripture, as if his own message wasn't good enough. No doubt Dr. Laura is fighting for the next edition of the doll to quote Leviticus and scare the kids straight.
Me, I wish at least the Moses voice was done by Mel Brooks in 2,000 Year Old Man mode. That would give those commandments a bit of vim and vigor. The current guy sounds so goyishe he couldn't seem Jewish if you circumscised him and spotted him an "Oy!"
The AFP article about the toys insists, "The website calls the dolls 'a wholesome alternative to teddy bears and stuffed animals,'" but I can't find that quote on the site. Which is too bad, since I didn't know things had grown so bad that even teddy bears had become unwholesome.
But I can quote the following--verbatim--from the website:
These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more. These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more.
These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more. These gifts are a great way to introduce children to the bible!
Let's not forget somewhere in the Bible it says the first rule of marketing is repetition, repetition, repetition. Plus repeating 3 times reminds people of the Trinity. It might also make people forget the dolls are made in China, most likely by kids not getting paid enough to afford their own huggable talking Jesus. Oh well, they're probably not Christians anyway.
I certainly didn't think of a talking plush Jesus doll, but that's why I'm not a brilliant businessman like Cliff Rockwood, creator of Holy Huggables, not to be confused with the Holy Huxtables dolls Bill Cosby still tries to sell when he isn't busy berating black people for not being successful as he is. Nope, Holy Huggables feature a talking Jesus, Moses and Esther. No, not Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son, but the Biblical Esther. I guess they figured they needed a female doll, and the temptation to have a Mary doll say, "I'm a virgin, are you?" was too great to resist, so they avoided the Holy Mother all together.
Esther has it easy, though. Poor talking Jesus only gets to say 3 things the gospels said he said, and for his other 4 lines is stuck quoting Old Testament scripture, as if his own message wasn't good enough. No doubt Dr. Laura is fighting for the next edition of the doll to quote Leviticus and scare the kids straight.
Me, I wish at least the Moses voice was done by Mel Brooks in 2,000 Year Old Man mode. That would give those commandments a bit of vim and vigor. The current guy sounds so goyishe he couldn't seem Jewish if you circumscised him and spotted him an "Oy!"
The AFP article about the toys insists, "The website calls the dolls 'a wholesome alternative to teddy bears and stuffed animals,'" but I can't find that quote on the site. Which is too bad, since I didn't know things had grown so bad that even teddy bears had become unwholesome.
But I can quote the following--verbatim--from the website:
These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more. These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more.
These dolls are great for parents, grandparents, any age family member, Sunday school teachers, CCD volunteers and just about anyone who wants children to explore and know the bible more. These gifts are a great way to introduce children to the bible!
Let's not forget somewhere in the Bible it says the first rule of marketing is repetition, repetition, repetition. Plus repeating 3 times reminds people of the Trinity. It might also make people forget the dolls are made in China, most likely by kids not getting paid enough to afford their own huggable talking Jesus. Oh well, they're probably not Christians anyway.
posted by George at 5:55 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home