Kill Bull, Vol. I

Friday is the 145th anniversary of the First Battle of Bull Run, not that they knew it was just the first one, and the South called it the Battle of Manassas anyway, but they lost (please pass the word to the people in Alabama and Georgia, they're still not sure), so we can call it what we want. It was the first real engagement of the Civil War after the heavy petting without commtiment at Ft. Sumter, and it might be called Bull Run because the Union soldiers kind of treated it like the festivities in Pamplona--they figured it was easy to drink a bunch and win over the dumber "animals." Of course, many got gored, as the South won the battle, particularly thanks to the steadfastness of Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, who got back just in time from the gay riots in Greenwich Village. It's also worth noting that the wealthy elite of D.C. thought that war might be a good excuse for a picnic in the country, so they followed the Union troops and held the first tailgate parties on their wagons (mostly served by black slaves, no doubt, who wouldn't be freed until Lincoln needed the Emancipation Proclamation two years later to help turn the war around). When the battle went south for the North, the partiers fled, but the roads got blocked, and many soiled undergarments as well as their tablecloths, even if the Confederate troops were too disorganized to take advantage. It's good to know that today the rich in D.C no longer love to root war on as sport.