And then We Won't Have to Worry about Them Damn Liberal College Professors, Neither

In an effort today to one-up Massachusetts Governor "Not Glove, Not Love but" Mitt Romney, who today, according to Reuters, "unveiled an expansion of teenage sexual-abstinence programs in the heavily Democratic state, polishing his conservative credentials ahead of a possible White House run," Senator John McCain offered up a new national plan that he hopes goes down big with his new best friend Jerry Falwell and other people who confuse Christ for an insane, bitter, mean person. McCain pointed out that Romney today said, "If we want our kids to wait to become sexually active until after they've graduated from high school, we're going to have to tell them that, rather than have them try to read our minds." To which McCain replied, "That just means there's going to be a huge birth spike 9 months after everyone's high school graduation party."

No, McCain decided to one-up not just Romney but President Bush himself, who has more than doubled funding for programs that teach that abstinence from sexual activity until marriage is the only sure way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other health problems. McCain said, "I am offering a new in-school program that will teach high schoolers the only true and sure way to avoid teen pregnancy and STDs. If my bill passes, all high schoolers will soon know the exact best way to commit suicide."