Monday, January 02, 2006

Getting Real

It's not even yet on the air, but we just know that Fox's Skating with Celebrities (subtitled: We Know Enough Not to Call them Stars, C'mon "They" Had a Bit Player from Seinfield and an ex-Playmate?) will triple lutz into America's hearts blade-first. So, it's time to offer our own ways to put lovable C-grade stars, who kindly ask for a lot less money, back on TV and into outrageous situations viewers won't want to miss!

Trash Talking with the, uh, Stars
Narrated by the ghost of Scatman Crothers, this show hilariously pairs faces you've seen on TV at least once with real people who work as sanitation engineers. This show will surely clean-up the Nielsen's! Stars include Ron Artest, some woman who played a bad witch on an episode of Charmed (yeah, like Shannen Doherty was "busy") and Alex Trebek, who, by the way, is looking for a new agent. Back up the truck right here for all the awards this one will haul away!

Welding with a Meld of People with a Talent for It and People with No Discernible Talent at All
OK, the title needs work, but there's a real spark to this series. Episodes will include "Determining the Fatigue Strength of Welds in Marine Structures," "Finite Element Modeling of Complex Welded Structures," and the special blur-a-vision episode "Damn, They Meant It When They Said Wear Safety Glasses." Stars include Rachel Ray trying to branch out after appearing on every Food Network show, Pauly Shore doing his best work since Bio-Dome, and the indomitable Estelle "Stop Or My Mom Will Weld" Getty.

That's Not a Dental Hygienist, That's My Crush I'm Embarrassed to Admit to From When I Was a Pimply-Faced 14-Year-Old!
They're all here -- Lauren Tewes from Love Boat, Susan Dey from The Partridge Family (we made her remove LA Law from her resume as it both ruins the conceit of the show and makes her too expensive), Pamela Sue Martin from The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, Daphne from Scooby-Doo (the animated one) -- and in your face, or should we say, your mouth! You'll feel like rinsing after an hour of non-stop toothy hijinks.

Are You Ready for Some Operation Iraqi Freedom?!
Pat Tillman, Arizona Cardinals football player, gives up his multi-million dollar contract to do what he feels is right and stand-up for his country even though he reads things like Noam Chomsky (who, don't worry, we won't allow on the program--all that thinking is booorrring). Brilliant montages better than even the most life-like computer game mix the thrill of vicious NFL hits and wild firefights in Iraq and Afghanistan. In a crazy mix-up that's just oh-so wacky, Tillman will get killed. By his own troops, but it's an accident. Just like the Pentagon waiting a few weeks or five to tell his parents he was killed in friendly fire. Meanwhile, George W. Bush, kind of the Paris Hilton of Presidents (why is this person on TV so much, we all wonder?), who never fought in a war, gets to use Tillman's death as proof war is noble and its fighters gallant. OK, no one would buy this show as reality for a second.


Anonymous he who is known as sefton said...

President George W "dum'ya botch" Bush thinks he's Jesus Christ ... there, I wrote it.

Likely enough, your curiosity was piqued enough for you to open this e.mail. If so, for once, your curiosity has done you a good turn. If I may, I should like to call upon your patience to peruse the text, immediately following.

Maybe on one fine day, your instructor had you undertake a certain exercise to determine just how well you're inclined to follow directions. Anyway, as you read the text, you noticed that the directions requested performing certain actions, some of which would be rather, say, noticeable. This e.mail is very much like that so-called test. So, please click on the embedded hyperlinks, after reading this entire e.mail.

I'm doing so for two reasons. First, I'd like to re-assure you that I came upon your blog as an individual, and not as a spammer in the pay of this or that company. And second, I would like to give you some idea of how I traversed a rather unusual train of thought. Now let's begin our journey. Incidentally, I found the U.R.L for your blog under the California heading.

Wood'ja (?) buh-leave! I was so taken with my piece on eminent domain that I began a somewhat desultory campaign to call attention to it. To find people, who might concern themselves with the effects of the Supreme Court's decision, I went to this website, whose U.R.L is just underneath:

Well, it was through that website that I discovered how to tell you about that piece ... don'cha just feel ever so lucky?!

That "supremes-godless-commies-" excerpt in the above can easily enough get you conjecturing that I richly deserve my reputation for being a wild-eyed iconoclast cum "this gun for hire" ... aaaay, that's my nature. And you might also easily enough surmise that I've paid for it.

Anyway, here's the U.R.L for the piece, about which I am now enthusiastic,

I believe it's only fair to clue you in that the article in question was inspired by the recent scandal of domestic spying without search warrants. I'm surmising you'll get a chuckle out of it.

oh, alright (!) already, so, it's easy to make fun of a president, who thinks he's Jesus Christ.

.he who is known as sefton

If you've gotten this far, without previously clicking on any of the preceding hyperlinks, congrats. Otherwise, so (?) what! Anyway, what follows is the new and improved footnote to the "german" piece.

enjoy, enjoy

according to rumor, which I'm starting, the previous title to this piece had "germans" preceded by stark Anglo-Saxon for "illicitly copulating". Just to put the dear Reader's mind at ease, that rumor is grossly exaggerated.

Although, however, I was thinking of inserting the participle of the "fire truck word" within a certain nom de gloire. However, even for a wild-eyed iconoclast cum "this laptop for hire", there are constraints.

Nonetheless, within those constraints, I believe I'm entitled to stating this conjecture, which recent experience has impelled me to dope out. Here goes.

Whenever we hear a politician, of whatever orientation, claim to have "Jesus" in their heart. More than likely, that sapsucker has "cotton candy" for brains.

.... aaaay, you, whyz.ache.err, take my word for it. I'm having a hard time being diplomatic.

1:33 PM  

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