Kerry On My Re-Balled John

Mere hours after his concession speech on Wednesday, former Presidential candidate John Kerry underwent surgery to have his cojones re-attached. Still slightly groggy after the successful surgery (it seems that the Al Gore Model Save Your Balls Lock Box™ preserves one’s manhood effectively), Kerry released the following statement, “I feel great relief to be once again intact. And I look forward to becoming another surprisingly forceful voice for MoveOn and other truly progressive organizations. I can only hope to follow in the fine tradition of Al Gore and discover my liberal roots after being freed of the burden of a presidential candidacy. My only regret is that I wasn’t elected to the White House, as what I most hoped to do was follow in Jimmy Carter’s even more noble Democratic footsteps and become a brilliant one term ex-President.”