Thursday, September 07, 2006

Please Pull the Wool over My Eyes

The Lompoc Record (motto: "We might be in Lompoc, but at least we're not owned by Wendy McCaw") reports:

Santa Barbara County sheriff's deputies found a bizarre scene Wednesday morning when they stopped outside the La Purisima Mission to investigate an empty car.

Thinking they would find a suspect trespassing on state park property, deputies discovered 69-year-old Alfred Thomas Steven of Huntington Beach naked and coated in olive oil and oats in the sheep enclosure.

Be sure you read the end of that sentence slowly; each of those 4 details kind of makes the one before it even stranger--I mean, wouldn't you probably go with a canola oil if you were going to roll in oats, too? Or go for a Woody Allen hommage and bring the Woolite?

When deputies confronted Steven, they found that he had a loaded .357 revolver, officials said.

Maybe he figured he would suddenly realize how insane he was and he might have to shoot himself in self-defense.

Steven also allegedly admitted that he was enacting a fantasy and he drove up to the mission, at 2295 Purisima Road, from Huntington Beach for that purpose.

So at no point in a three hour plus drive did this guy pull over to side of the road and go, "Hey, I'm one sick mofo!" My guess is this is one fantasy that won't land on the approval list for Make-a-Wish.

Steven was arrested on misdemeanor charges of trespassing on state park property, animal cruelty, sexually assaulting an animal, and possession of a loaded firearm, deputies said.

It seems the oats and olive oil will have to press civil charges.

Park rangers were called to help with the investigation, and Steven was eventually released with a citation, officials said.

No animals were hurt in the incident, according to deputies.

So he sexually assaulted an animal but no animals were hurt? Was one of the ewes dressed sluttily and asking for it?


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