Wall Street Weak

Wall Street retreated sharply Friday as investors glumly absorbed the news that Anna Nicole Smith had died. "Sure there was a spike in oil prices, and two Federal Reserve officials commented that unexpected economic growth could prompt an interest rate hike," said stockbroker and longtime Playboy reader Jack S. Pecious, "but Anna--my god. Where will the tragedy end?"

Clearly the mood at the New York Stock Exchange was focused on inflation, peak oil, and silicone implants. One broker, who insisted on remaining anonymous, particularly after making a tasteless joke about how sad he was that now he would never get to do any "insider trading" with Smith, claimed, "I guess first everyone has to clear out pharmaceuticals from their portfolio. Second, the companies who own magazines like People and the Star are going to be scrambling until the next talentless bimbo comes along. This really hurts."

Pecious said through his tears, "She was a symbol for our nation, a beaming dyed blond light that anyone could become anything, if by anything you mean a reality TV star and centerfold. She was clearly our generation's Susan B. Anthony, except Anthony wasn't hot. I mean, you totally know why they replaced her dollar with Sacagawea--grrrr."