Fix the Mets, Fix the Mets, Step Right Up and Fix the Mets

After all, you might think your kiddies and your wife stand a better chance than Omar Minaya does of figuring out how to make the Mets those 5 wins better they need to be to get past the phavored Phillies. But the Mets are moving into a new ballpark, and that it's called Citi Field has to be a good sign--perhaps if the team tanks for the first few months, Congress will vote to give the Mets Albert Pujols, Dustin Pedroia, and Joe Maddon on his good days as a bailout.

Seriously, all Mets moves center on the bullpen, which evidently last season took David Bowie at his word when he recorded the theme song for the Paul Schrader Cat People. (In fact I'm pretty sure the Mets shuffled their AAA club to Buffalo from New Orleans just to avoid those associations.) No lead was safe, and Mets fans knew enough to hide the eyes of their children as yet unaccustomed to such carnage. Here's hoping the Mr. Met Buddy-Blindfold™ made the club enough at the concession stands that they can afford some free agents.

So, what to do with the bullpen? Scott Schoeneweis has to go, if for no other reason than I'm tired of looking up how to spell his name when I write how much I hate him. A lefty specialist who doesn't get out lefties isn't so special, especially when righties pound him like a low-hung pinata. Jeremy Affeldt would have been nice, but he's already signed. There's still Joe Beimel--he already knows his way around NYC bars, so would be a great fit.

Otherwise, it's all about finding someone to replace the out for the season Billy Wagner. It would be nice to find someone better than Wagner, of course, as he had the ability to be very good until you most needed him (and for that the 2006 Cards say thanks). Most speculation is that the Mets will pony up the big bucks to sign K-Rod, amazed by his record amount of saves in 2008 and that he has a cool nickname. To be honest, I'd sort of prefer they'd go for Kerry Wood than K-Rod, since I think he has his arm owies in the past, while K-Rod's crazy motion means a world of Jobe in his future. Not to mention there are so many more jokes you can make with the name Wood, but I won't lumber those out right now. Oh, and they should sign Juan Cruz, too--lots of strikeouts. Much better for the defense, when they don't have to defend.

Then there's the second base dilemma, also known as "how much was Minaya drinking the day he gave Luis Castillo a four year contract?" I'd wager Omar was part of the test project for legalizing absinthe in the U.S. Perhaps the Mets can dump him (that is Castillo) somewhere--the White Sox are reportedly moving Alexei Ramirez to short, and perhaps Castillo would be just the kind of guy Ozzie Guillen would like around in the clubhouse to abuse. That has to be worth something. What should the Mets get in return, you ask? Peace of mind, my friend, peace of mind.

And if you've read this far, it's time for the portion of the program known as "come dream with me" or "all free agents can be ours." It's a ridiculous feature of any and all hot stove essays, so who am I to tamper with tradition? I want Manny. He was so good when he came to LA last season, he made me a Dodger fan. That's true baseball magic. New York should be big enough to deal with his flakiness. And I love the idea of a top of the order that goes Reyes-Beltran-Wright-Ramirez. The other 5 guys might not matter. And if that can't happen, maybe go for Adam Dunn for a high-salary/low-years deal? After all, in my fantasy I've punted on defense, so what the heck.

As for starting pitchers, resign Oliver Perez. He's a flake, but he's our flake. Plus he's younger and leftier than the other big name free agents (not to be confused with the flat out big free agent CC). Then try to get Derek Lowe, but in the contract make sure he promises only to give up grounders to the left side of the infield. Everyone will be happier that way, except for the vendors selling the Mr. Met Buddy-Blindfold™.

Finally, there's bench building via cheap free agents. Eric Hinske can be useful in a variety of positions, as the Rays found out, in particular hitter. Get him. Erubiel Durazo is available and should be signed simply because his name is mellifluous. Ray Durham might be a helpful counterbalance to Castillo if we can't dump him--he made Rickie Weeks a better player in Milwaukee once he arrived last year. So at the least he's motivational. And then there's spunky Craig Counsell--the Mets need to sign him not because he's any good, but he's the kind of player they supposedly never have and need to be more hard-nosed and competitive. Plus he might be able to fit in to Super Joe McEwing's old uniform. And if they lose, we've got a scapegoat.

Oh, and Omar, since I'm sure you're reading, if these steps don't work, perhaps try to trade for the Cubs' doghouse (Rich Hill and Felix Pie) or the Marlins' endless going out of business sale--I think you get a Persian carpet with each transaction--for Jeremy Hermida? These guys might not be good, but at least they'll be young. Or is that not "alou-ed" on the Mets?