Hoist Upon His Own Batard

Friday is the anniversary of the day William the Conqueror landed in England. Ever since he was a child he had that weight of his nickname to deal with, his mom would say, "Yes, yes, you're a conqueror, now go clean your room," so he figured he might as well get around to conquering something. After all, peeing in his friend's sandbox when he was 6 seemed like, well, piddling stuff. Alas, England did not listen to those who called for a ban of all Normans, a group led by Lewis D'Obbs and Mike Hellmalkin, and William hastily head to Hastings and gave history books the first great year of the new millennium, easily bumping out 1027--Farmer Brown Shares Same Sores with His Barnyard Animals from the previous top spot. There's a reason we call this period the Dark Ages. Indeed, William was also known as Guillaume le Bâtard for he was an inferior baguette.....wait, this just in, batard does mean bastard too. Sorry William, but you were illegitimate. Good thing you made up for that by marrying a cousin. (It seems Normandy was Alabama minus nine centuries.)