Sunday, May 14, 2006

57 Channels and Nothing On

At the conclusion of his prime time television address on Monday night, President Bush announced the formation of the all-new PrezTV. Starting Monday, May 29, all cable services (except ones handled through QWEST) in the United States, plus those in Iraq and the twenty-three sites with cable in Afghanistan, will offer as part of their basic tier of programming the new network -- for only $5 more per month. President Bush said, "Of course, the 29th is Memorial Day, so beyond laying wreaths at soldiers' graves since that's not like going to an actual funeral, I won't be working. But I'm sure the channel can broadcast a Rangers game or Fox News in the meantime."

Some brief previews of this exciting new channel's line-up:

Bush Does Brush -- There's nothing else like this on TV! Watch the president wield his mighty scythe more aggressively than Death himself!

A Town's Bars on $40 a Day -- Jenna and Not-Jenna get their own show, as they have to do something. Yes, they can still fall over by the end of the night on only four sawbucks of liquor, partially because they leave no tips.

National Debt Clock Lotto -- After watching the numbers spin, if they end the half hour program on an even number, say something like $8,369,132,500,000, everyone in the oil industry gets an additional $10 million tacked on to their golden parachutes when the oil runs out.

Laura Licks Reality -- The First Lady does what she's been doing since she killed a friend in high school. Future episodes include "Polls Don't Mean Anything," on which Laura Bush opines, "We didn't need a majority to win in 2000," and "My Husband Is a Good Man Who Read a Book Once."

Hunting with Dick -- This show is a blast!

Republican Indictment of the Day -- Which will end first, the number of Republicans in office nationwide or the run of this show?! Tune in and see.

Jeff Gannon's Blues... -- Hosted by that blogger-White House correspondent-hottie, this is the new PrezTV's attempt to win over not only part of the Cinemax After Dark crowd but also a bone thrown (so to speak) to the Log Cabin Republicans.


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