Monday, July 25, 2005

Santa Is a Red!

In breaking news, hundreds of fat men--plus Elvis Claus and at least one shapely woman--who say they just like to "give, give, give" are meeting in Denmark to unionize and perhaps bring Christmas to a halt, probably a few weeks before the first holiday decorations go up in malls across the U.S. According to an AP story:

Their demands include standardizing chimney widths in the 25-country European Union and holding Christmas twice a year to lessen the burden on Santas, whom they said must currently rush around the world to distribute presents in just one day.

Back in the U.S., rightwing bloggers have already chastized the lazy workers, and are calling on the ghost of Ronald Reagan to fire the lot of them. In the meantime, the article claims:

To qualify as Santa, candidates must sport a white beard, don a red suit in which they must not smoke tobacco — and refrain from drinking alcohol before addressing children.

The article fails to go on to say drinking alcohol in order to create children is ok, as long as Santa doesn't use the line, "Honey, don't you want to see what Father Christmas has for you beneath his tree?"

The convention is a jam-packed whirlwind of events for assorted St. Nick's. Go check the schedule to see, but highlights include the Bellevue Beach Christmas Paddling, since nothing beats seeing a sea of Santas in matching crimson Speedos, and the agenda discussion point about Santa as Astronaut, although I've known he was a space case since I was 10 and I didn't get that pony, the bastard.


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