Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Your Town, Like Your Pizza, Is Like Cardboard

The AP reports:

If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control.


The town of Ave Maria is being constructed around Ave Maria University, the first Catholic university to be built in the United States in about 40 years. Both are set to open next year about 25 miles east of Naples in southwestern Florida.

The town and the university, developed in partnership with the Barron Collier Co., an agricultural and real estate business, will be set on 5,000 acres with a European-inspired town center, a massive church and what planners call the largest crucifix in the nation, at nearly 65 feet tall. Monaghan envisions 11,000 homes and 20,000 residents.

Clearly, however, Monaghan can't do math--without birth control, it's hard to believe each home will contain a mere 1.82 people. Especially when the article goes on to say that Ave Maria will also ban Saran Wrap, balloons, and pulling out just to be safe (or perhaps that's unsafe, which is what God wants--at least the Catholic God, who knows you have to sin to be saved, while knowing he has to be cruel to be kind).

Monaghan also went on to say, "The pornography ban extends to everything one--and by one I mean me--might find offensive or sexual or in the slightest bit titillating. We will even ban the word titillating, not to mention anything Beavis and Butt-head might snigger at, but that word hiding in snigger is just fine, as we're in the South, after all. The good news is we will ban Beavis and Butt-head, too, plus Nabokov, James Joyce, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Joyce DeWitt, Joyce Carol Oates, and all Scorsese 'cause we're still mad he made that Jesus movie where our Lord refuses to die like a good martyr and instead gets married and Barbara Hershey is too hot as Mary Magdalene.

"But Mel Gibson and his bloody Jesus we welcome with open arms, since religion is all about pain. That's why we want to be known for the U.S.'s biggest crucifix. Ours will be a foot longer, uh, taller than the one in Salve Regina up the holy highway. [Editor's note: this is an area of Florida that routinely helps elect Bushes and is the home of numerous faith-based organizations, including the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater Where Non-Careers Go to Imitate Terry Schiavo, yet earn applause by audiences as aware of talent as Dr. Bill Frist is aware of life while making diagnoses via video snipets].

"And our Jesus will be bloodier, especially at night when it will feature a light show that would put Las Vegas to shame. But, of course, Vegas is shameful, and to further protect our people, our travel agents will not be allowed to book trips to places like Vegas or California or pretty much any Blue State or Israel or the Middle East or places where Catholics are outnumbered. South Dakota is a fine place for Ave Marians to travel to, however."

To help initially stock Ave Maria with priests, Monaghan plans a ratio of 5 altar boys per man of the cloth. Each boy of the cloth--which is no doubt dirty and needs to be washed, so get over into the sacristy right now and we'll practice the 'this is my body, take and eat' part of the cermony--will be Abercrombie & Fitch model quality and sworn to a special "don't ask, don't tell" policy.


Anonymous Tessitura said...

This has to be one of the Dirtiest things I have ever seen you write! BRAVO!!!

7:34 AM  

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