Is Barry Bonds a Drag on the Giants?

Scottsdale, AZ -- News broke from the San Francisco Giants camp that all the years of rumors have been true: slugger Barry Bonds has been on drugs since 2002. The surprise is the drugs aren't steroids, but hormones. Bonds, about to pass the Sultan of Swat's once revered 714 lifetime homers figure, said, "I, too, want to be a Babe. After seeing Felicity Huffman in Transmerica, I felt the country was ready for me to be straight up about who I really am."

A nonplussed manager Felipe Alou commented, "Barry is Barrie. At least after all his years of being a solid defender we know now why he throws like a girl."